I’m feeling waves of heavy emotions today. It’s day 3 of my period and I am struggling. I am immensely sad. I feel exhausted. I have no appetite. I forced myself to eat oatmeal this morning. Half a cup and it took me over an hour.
I went home for lunch. I had the ingredients there for my omelet, but it’s like my gustatory reflexes are paralyzed. I couldn’t imagine eating any of it. I couldn’t see myself enjoying a single bite. I took the dog for a longer walk and went back to work.
In the parking lot I saw my crush in his car and I pretended not to. Then I became upset that he hadn’t opened my Snap and worried that he may not like me. This is not about him. None of it is. And that’s part of why I didn’t go to him. I didn’t want to have some cute conversation with him and then start projecting all hopes of happiness onto him.
Being a storyteller is a gift and a curse, especially for those of us touched with madness by multiple hands.
I can get so wrapped up in the stories I tell myself, and I believe them too, I do; these stories about me and men I never intended to love. How happy we could be together because being together is better than being alone.
I pretended not to see him because I know ultimately, I’m going to leave him and have to deal with this on my own. I want no hope from him, after I already bled on his finger this Sunday morning. I want him to love me. But I know I want to be loved a different way than he is currently providing.
I feel like I’m fighting really hard to hold on today. Like at any second I could burst out in tears. I am so tender. So vulnerable. I wish I had more women friends to be this soft with. To share this stuff with. I wish I were more social.
It’s so funny. I look really nice today. Red lipstick. Nice pants, nice blazer. I look well adjusted and put together. Maintaining a “positive attitude” by cracking jokes and being nice to people. No one could guess how I suffer. I always look my best when I’m struggling the most. I just want more people to share the real me with. The raw me. I long to be seen and understood.
9 thoughts on “Witness Me Tenderly”
I relate to this so much. Sending you peace and light ❤
Thank you. It’s hard to share, but got damn in deed to get it out. Glad I’m not alone ♥️
The sun WILL shine, it came always be dark! ❤️
Thank you, love 😊
Your self-awareness cuts clean through in your writing. Masterful. Storytelling is a gift and a curse. YES. 🤍
Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing a part of you here. The paintings on your wall help many others who are in need of new colors. And for you, this wall defines you, don’t let it dry up.
Sending loads of love and warm hugs ❤️❤️
These tender moments are harder to share. I remove and repost them sometimes. Thanks for reading
I know how hard it is to share such things. The fact that you try to let them out is more than enough. Take care!