I’m feeling waves of heavy emotions today. It’s day 3 of my period and I am struggling. I am immensely sad. I feel exhausted. I have no appetite. I forced myself to eat oatmeal this morning. Half a cup and it took me over an hour.
I went home for lunch. I had the ingredients there for my omelet, but it’s like my gustatory reflexes are paralyzed. I couldn’t imagine eating any of it. I couldn’t see myself enjoying a single bite. I took the dog for a longer walk and went back to work.
In the parking lot I saw my crush in his car and I pretended not to. Then I became upset that he hadn’t opened my Snap and worried that he may not like me. This is not about him. None of it is. And that’s part of why I didn’t go to him. I didn’t want to have some cute conversation with him and then start projecting all hopes of happiness onto him.
Being a storyteller is a gift and a curse, especially for those of us touched with madness by multiple hands.
I can get so wrapped up in the stories I tell myself, and I believe them too, I do; these stories about me and men I never intended to love. How happy we could be together because being together is better than being alone.
I pretended not to see him because I know ultimately, I’m going to leave him and have to deal with this on my own. I want no hope from him, after I already bled on his finger this Sunday morning. I want him to love me. But I know I want to be loved a different way than he is currently providing.
I feel like I’m fighting really hard to hold on today. Like at any second I could burst out in tears. I am so tender. So vulnerable. I wish I had more women friends to be this soft with. To share this stuff with. I wish I were more social.
It’s so funny. I look really nice today. Red lipstick. Nice pants, nice blazer. I look well adjusted and put together. Maintaining a “positive attitude” by cracking jokes and being nice to people. No one could guess how I suffer. I always look my best when I’m struggling the most. I just want more people to share the real me with. The raw me. I long to be seen and understood.