There is work to be done.
That’s the motto, the mantra, the resolution. This year, I know I’ll swing from states of manic euphoria to deep dreamlike depression.
I know, I know, I know, I’ll want to die time and time again. I’ll also want to live forever. And picture myself in a house full of light and laughter. I’ll probably fall in love with a few men (and hopefully a woman). My usual obsessive love. But this time I’m aware of my attachment style, how to recognize when I’m activated, and I understand that Limerence is a thing.
This year, I will live the same way I’ve lived with the same emotions, but better coping mechanisms. I will survive the overwhelm, the rope drunk, the dick addiction. And when I’m feeling lost, useless, and directionless, I will remind myself, “there’s work to be done.”
While going through all my emotions and wanting to live and wanting to die, I need to be consistent in my work. My career will be more rewarding if I give 75% of a fuck. I was 50:50 last year and I don’t like that. Why be there if I’m not going to perform? And especially when the art of charm is all it takes me to perform. I’m a silver tongue devil, attractive woman in a male dominated space. If I give more of a shit I can outdo most of these fucking boys.
I learned last year too that burying my head in work is a great way to cope with my depressive states. Apple cider vinegar in the water. Cold showers. Daily embodied movement. Journaling. Makings lists for my daily tasks the night before. Working out. Taking sexy pics for Fet. Dancing. Reading. Setting goals to challenge myself. Spending time with people. All recipes for coping with tough times.
So which ever of these activities I decide to do, there is work to be done.
And for the days when I’m light and floating on clouds of ecstatic bliss, when my creative juices are flowing, my embodied movement is on point, my bright red lips are speaking seductively to my lovers and customers alike, on those days I need to remind myself that delegating is working.
I need to hone in on a few projects instead of being overwhelmed by the many. Videography and photography are tasks I can outsource to allow myself more time to write and practice the saxophone.
And when I’m bored with that, there’s work to be done in terms of my friendships. I need to nurture those things. Put more effort into staying in touch with people and keeping up with their lives.
So no matter how dead or alive I’m feeling inside this year, there is always work to be done.
Author’s note: I originally started this post on January 9th… it was as though my soul was crying out for a rubric to deal with what was to come. Two days later I was grief stricken and had to use some of these very coping mechanisms, along with new ones, to deal. Sometimes the more I allow myself to acknowledge my intuition the more unsettled I become. Not because it’s bad, but because it’s so vast and powerful and I’m ashamed of how I’ve ignored it all these decades. I supposed there is work to be done here as well.