I came everyday last week. Every morning before work, before anything.

Some days were easier than others. Some days were stronger, and some, I faintly felt.

One morning, grief wanted a turn, so I cried in the shower then wrote the most exquisite poem.

Another morning, I was in the area, but my hand wouldn’t keep the toy there to welcome pleasure’s full embrace… so I came a quiet whisper. Wondering about my ruined orgasm, a question hit me.

Do I pull away because I don’t think I deserve it?

Do I really believe it when I say to myself, “I deserve pleasure” and if I don’t believe, does that mean I don’t trust myself? Do I trust myself? And how do I gain more of my own trust?

Another highlight from self pleasure everyday was my good mood! My melancholy was there, of course, but I also had time to dream and question and scheme and dream some more.