I quit my job today. I’ve been fantasizing about it for a while. This week the desire was heavier than ever. I felt like a fraud showing up when I knew I didn’t want to be there.
This morning as I woke up and gathered my thoughts, as I stretched and set my intention for the day, I decided it was time. So I rolled around in my warm sheets and thought of salmonella – how I don’t want to be trapped in a can like salmonella, how I don’t want to lead a life I constantly seek escape from, how I’m the exact lover, friend, sister, mother, father, I’m the exact being that my younger soul fantasized about coming to free her.
I realized it was totally within my power to save myself, so I marched into the office without my purse, took my headphones, protein bars, and packed them in a wrinkled plastic bag; my little word search book, my purple yeti, and my planner, also a teal leuchtturm notebook I never had time to write poetry in but refused to use for math problems. I left my calculator, my stapler, my colorful post-its, my pens; I left my friends, my people, my tribe, my equals, my superiors (in business acumen), I left them all without saying anything. I didn’t want to make a show. So I decided: say what I need to the CEO then grab my things and go.
Calls and texts poured in not long after. Well wishes, people care, it’s nice that people care. I apologized for leaving without saying bye. I told them I didn’t want to stay longer and cry. The people are the hardest to leave. Some great people there, but I was miserable, so I will happily and sadly leave them behind.
I’m ready for more now. More than I’ve ever dreamed. More than I’ve ever allowed myself to think possible. I’ve come a long way. I admit the past is true, and I no longer live there. I dwell in possibilities. I’m comfortably uncomfortable in uncertainty for I am certain that the things that make me panic will not make me panic for long.
And what’s wrong with a little panic anyway? I can’t be calm all the time. The panic is instrumental to my embracing the peace. It’s the other side of it… a different flavor of chaos. So many variations of these panic-like emotions on the color wheel, and none of them avoidable. I need them all to fully live. So I welcome a little panic, a little overwhelm. I welcome a new problem, a new place, a new name, a new title. I welcome possibilities. I welcome pleasure. I welcome overwhelm. I welcome rest and relaxation. I welcome creation. I welcome creation. I’m so excited to create – create art, create life, create roots, create community, create space for my sadness and (potential) regrets. Create room for it all and let it all be true to use it all, my lived experience, for beautiful art! I’m excited to meet people to create art with. I’m excited to pose nude at an art class. I’m excited to be nude in the jungle in Peru. I’m excited for someone’s rope on my naked skin. I’m excited for my naked ambitions and my relentless pursuit. I’m excited for primal play with someone. I’m excited to be alive.
One Year Later:
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