The last two times I let people tie me weren’t that enjoyable. In fact, the more I’m tied by people the more I realize I don’t actually like being tied by people.

The Worst

The worst first—it was an unassuming woman who was way too god damn handsy. I was in shock, totally didn’t expect inappropriate touching from her. I kept trying to rationalize her behavior in my head, like she didn’t mean to cup my boob, she’s just positioning the rope…okay, but why is the hand lingering?

I was quick to ask her to untie me, but her strange behavior persisted. She kept trying to come closer to me and put her legs on mine. Fucking weird. Uninvited closeness literally disgusts me. I kept moving back to make space between us and, unlike Prigozhin, she kept advancing. She advanced herself right onto my mat.

Ultimately, I left class early, went home, took a HOT shower, and left my luscious red ropes on the floor. They stayed there for days until I had to put them away for company. I think it’s best to just get rid of them—her odious memory taints them.

The Not as Bad, but Still Icky

The other time was with a man, an instructor, which I felt would make it safer. But I fear he too just wanted to grope me under the guise of tying.

I forget where I am sometimes. I forget that I have to armor up and look out for people’s true intentions. I go off in dreamland where everything has the potential to be beautiful, where people mean well, where goodness and grace have a place.

Anyway, this guy just wanted to touch me and stuff. It was weird. I didn’t like it. These last two sessions have taught me that self tying is my jam until I find a rigger who I grow to trust and feel safe knowing I won’t be sexualized without my consent and active enjoyment. I’ve also learned not to underestimate women’s ability to be predatory.

The Realizations

The more I’m tied by people the more I realize that I don’t actually like being tied by people. Actually, I’ll amend this a bit. It’s not that I don’t like being tied by people, but I think rope is like sex in that it’s better with a connection. So I don’t like being tied without connection.

I didn’t realize this before because when I tie myself it’s meditative and grounding, there’s nothing sexual about it. So when I go to rope classes, I’m looking at them as clinical in a way, I’m there to acquire technical knowledge. In my eyes, pairing up with someone there to practice is no different than students at a massage institute pairing up and practicing with each other. You wouldn’t expect anything sexual there, it’s innocent practice.

But then again, massage institutes don’t host lessons at dungeons… so maybe I’m naive for not expecting people to bring their rope bundled with sexual intensions.

The Truth

I had second thoughts about sharing this part of my rope experience, but ultimately it is the truth and the truth is worth sharing. Also, for anyone who is a newbie to the rope scene and following along with my journey, I don’t want you to think that it’s all rainbows and butterflies and no bad actors.

I take lots of precautions in the things I do, how I do them, and who I do them with, but this was a good reminder to be even more thorough with vetting and negotiations before allowing anyone to tie me.