Naked with Other Women

Today I visited an onsen in Yokosuka and omg, I will never recover from the healing, mysticism, and embodiment I experienced!

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I’ve met myself among the moon and the stars, perhaps catapulted here by one of those stick and rubber band slingshots younger me used to make.

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A Year in Rope

At the beginning of 2022, I was in a bad way. It became impossible to avoid certain truths as my body refused to be numb any longer. Suddenly, I was drowning in emotions—grief, shame, remorse, plus my usual dose of melancholy.

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Do you ever feel Crazy?

Do you ever feel crazy? Crazy for wanting what you want, crazy for doing what you do, crazy for not doing what you really want to do?

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Certain Hungers

I’m chained to certain hungers, though some are still without names. Without specificity. I crave a certain texture, a sensation, or place. I can’t pinpoint it, which torments me slightly, but excites me still.

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I’m out of touch.

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2022 Survival Guide

There is work to be done.

That’s the motto, the mantra, the resolution. This year, I know I’ll swing from states of manic euphoria to deep dreamlike depression.

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Dance, Dance

I like that feeling in my belly, when I really want to dance. Like walking on the sidewalk and a good tune comes on or when I’m in the gym and I just can’t help bobbing and moving, gyrating, not even walking but holding back my moves as I walk-dance across the floor.

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This Year, I Must…

I think what I need to facilitate my healing and growth is intentional touch, and what better way to jump start my slut phase than to seduce a masseur?

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Witness Me Tenderly

I’m feeling waves of heavy emotions today. It’s day 3 of my period and I am struggling. I am immensely sad. I feel exhausted. I have no appetite. I forced myself to eat oatmeal this morning. Half a cup and it took me over an hour.

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Delta 8

I never thought it was possible to love something more, yet here I am thoroughly enjoying my entanglement with Delta. It’s got my mind calmer, quieter. Intrusive thoughts are more at bay.

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Glimpse of Light

Anhedonia has been a constant companion for the past 6 weeks. Today, for the first time in over a month, I was able to set foot in the gym, shut my mind off, and be in my body.

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Two Dark Places

The two dark places I inhabit force me to take inventory of my thoughts and feelings. Sitting with the darkness, I realize it enriches me. For so long I’ve tried to outrun it. Now I aim to embody it completely. No longer avoiding the pain. I don’t just endure it, I embrace it. It doesn’t frighten me, the darkness. I’m drunk from the ropes that bind me. I accept endings, knots, and twists. I picture new possibilities as I reason with my darkest desires and sense a more enriching life beyond them. I let my thoughts run freely and I’m freer for it.

Round & Rising

I look at myself without recognition. 
Is this what I should be happy with now?
I’ve grown so much I feel less desirable,
yet I’m as miserable as I’ve always been. Read More

Dying in My Dreams

My aim is to no longer dream of my own destruction, for when I do I live in fear. And to live in fear is to stand still at the bottom of a Ferris wheel during a blood moon festival. To live in fear is to stand still at a November carnival. They come and go these opportunities to move. Yet year upon year I stay planted.

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It’s been a while since I’ve had lube by my bedside.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt that fire inside.

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Confetti Cum

I drop my head,

close my eyes,

rub my eyelids,

exhale, and confetti

flares from my nostrils

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I long to empty my mind

Untangle its contents

like twisted silk thread

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